My Dad was a “no nonsense” guy. Although he gave us the heritage of family relationship to Thomas Jefferson via a prominent old Boston family, he was as down to earth as they come. Truth be told, he was not very impressed with all that stuff. After the war (World War II), he refused to accept his family’s help, including his parent’s help, to follow in the family tradition of going to Harvard in the name of saving money (another fine Bostonian tradition) so he went to the local State school and never looked back. He never wanted to take advantage of any privilege he might be afforded due to his family connections.

When I was younger, I thought he was wrong. “Why not use all that to get ahead?”, I often thought to myself. As I got older, I found myself acting like him, thinking like him and talking like him.

This is Dad standing in front of Thomas Jefferson’s grave at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. Dad often used pithy phrases to make his points. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” “We need to get down to brass tacks.” “Be thankful you weren’t born on the streets of Calcutta.” There are a lot of quotes I could put with this picture and they could be correct. Truth of the matter is, I can’t remember exactly what he was talking about. But, this type of gesture he is making with his arm was often used with one of his favorite phrases – “What’s the Big Deal?” Sometimes he would utter it in conversational tone. Usually he would bellow it out with mock pomposity making sure the listener (often me) got the point that he was acting way too big for his britches.

Working with our family issues at Monticello was the last cause Dad took up before he passed away. I had never seen him so passionate and involved with people. He had just gotten over a cancer scare and had been down for a couple of years. Getting involved with family energized him like I had never seen before. It inspired many of us who watched him take to the microphone at family meetings or when buttonholing family or press on the side. I remember one particular trip to the Hemings Reunion in 2003. On the long drive from Dulles airport to Charlottesville Dad was “pontificating” about what we were going to do this trip. The stream of advice was non-stop. One of his major points was to ignore the press completely. The important thing was family.  After we arrived at our hotel, I got us organized in our room, while he took off to find the rest of the family. When I tried to find him, one of my cousins mentioned he was in the bar – with a reporter from the New York Times! I thought surely our cousin was mistaken, but there was Dad, deep into conversation with a guy from the Gray Lady and his photographer. As I listened in, I could tell he felt this was different. This was vintage Dad – talking to folks as if they were normal people, just trying to make his point. He gave no thought to “20 second sound bites” or spinning a phrase just the right way. (And doggone it, he got quoted more than I did!) Isn’t that interesting that in a place and set of circumstances where one really ought to be at least a little pompous, Dad was just being himself. He was no different in Charlottesville than he was at home growing up in Kansas or in later years in Denver.

(At the end of the reunion, the family “adopted”  this NY Times reporter and photographer, as well as another.)

Over the past few years I have slowed down. As I observe life go on around me whether in the news, at work, at church. at home, or in the mirror, I see what he was talking about. There is a lot of chest thumping and posturing going on. There are a lot of folks that think they are the cat’s pajamas. There are a lot of people and things promoted as a ‘big deal”. After what I have experienced, I am not impressed anymore – with myself or the self-important others and their plans and schemes. I’ve kind of figured out that the ones that are really doing the most good in this world are the ones that aren’t spending their time “tooting their own horn” (another Dad phrase) but are quietly and effectively doing what they can with what they have been given. They aren’t interested in building a name for themselves or their company, church or organization. They aren’t interested in being a “Big Deal”.

You know what is really funny about all this? As much as Dad wasn’t interested in the press, celebrity or being out front, he really was a “Big Deal”.

(Abandonment to Divine Providence, Jean-Pierre de Caussade, page 14, 15)

They wheeled me towards the operating room where I was met by an anesthesiologist who was ready to put the mask on my face. “I want you to count to 5″, he said. “You’re lying” I grinned, ‘I’ll never get to 5 and you know it!” I remember getting to about 2.

The next thing I remember was waking up in a strange room. The pain had been bad enough before surgery but now it was worse. I looked down as best I could to see new bandages coming up my belly. The increased pain was due to the long incision which went from just below the bottom of my breastbone to just below the belt line.

A few moments later, Marie, Laurie and Grace came into the room. My thought processes were glacially slow due to the morphine and the aftereffects of the anesthesia. Something wasn’t right but I couldn’t make it out. I looked at them and slowly counted noses. “Marie. Laurie. Grace. Let’s see, Rachel is in the ER. Hmmm…. Let me try that again. Marie. Laurie. Grace. Oh…Stephanie is missing. Wait a minute. She wouldn’t go off to the bathroom at a time like this. She is way too aware of propriety and would want to see me.” Without thinking it through, I blurted out, “Where’s Stephanie?”

Marie couldn’t find the words. We had argued the last time we talked, before surgery, on this topic. She had been trying to tell me where Stephanie was and I was sure she was confusing Stephanie with Rachel. Marie stared at Laurie. My eyes turned to Laurie with a questioning look.

“She’s—she’s gone, Dad” she said in a flat voice.

Watch David, Marie and Laurie on “Good Morning America“

The worst moment of my life.

Here is what Marie said happened next:

“David stared at us, speechless. His face flooded with despair. He didn’t try to debate with us this time. The full force of our family’s loss came slamming into his mind. “She’s gone?” He dissolved into great sobbing. He even seemed to pass out momentarily from the emotional pain. I leaned over the bed railing to at least hold his hand. It went limp, but I continued to hold it until he regained consciousness.

Finally, he was able to form a new question: “Then what about Rachel? What’s going on with her? What have they told you?”

“They were doing surgery on her,” I said, “but they had to stop for a while. Something about her body temperature. They said they’ll go back in as soon as they can.” (Gone in a Heartbeat, Tyndale Press)

But I knew. If Stephanie didn’t make it, Rachel wouldn’t either. At about 10 pm that night, she peacefully crossed over to join her sister in the communion of the saints.

Up until that moment in the recovery room, I thought Rachel was in a for a long haul with her wounds. I had no clue that Stephanie had even been hurt, much less killed. (She was killed instantly in the minivan.) This could not be happening. God had called us as a family to go around the world. Because we had not done that yet, there was no way He would allows something like this. At least, that is what I thought.

Heartbreak. Devastation. Questions. Since I was so wrong about this, I must be wrong about everything else I thought God was telling us.

Why didn’t God do what He said He was going to do?

This is an honest question and if we are all honest with ourselves we ask this question more often than we will admit to. I found myself in the position this time of not being willing to run away from it or make excuses. I had to know. I didn’t have to know much else about the New Life Church shooting, but I had to know what was going on with God.

Let’s break it down.

Why did I think He was going to do this thing?

Over many years, I had felt that God had said many things to me. My practice was to take what I thought I had heard and compare it to scripture. I worked hard at this using various bible translations, online tools, Greek and Hebrew dictionaries and lexicons and then comparing all that with what I was seeing out in the real world. My journal and my hard drive were full of notes, entries, and documents detailing what I thought God was saying.

I spent a lot of time and effort working through what I thought God had said. But what if this wasn’t the best method? What if that process, with all the effort and thought, was only giving me a partial picture? And how could the Word of God only provide a partial picture?

Slaves vs. sons

My pastor, Brady, has been teaching our church about the difference of being slaves versus being sons. A slave works for his master trying to be accepted by him. A son doesn’t have to please his dad to belong to the family. He is already accepted into the family. He does stuff because he is a son, not to become a son. It is the difference between asking God to bless our plans versus asking God what he is doing and moving together with Him.

It is the difference between doing it on our own and doing it as a matter of our relationship with God. I may have some understanding based on the written Word of God, but I will not have His heart. A lot of us have it 2/3rds right. We love God with all our mind and strength, but our heart? What does that look like?

Morris’ Steps

My friend, Morris Ruddick, has a way to pray which demonstrates the way a son would get answers from God:

• Pray into issues and ask the Lord questions
• Receive the revelation
• Pray to get the illumination on the revelation
• Pray to get the instruction on the illumination
• Pray to get the direction and wisdom on the instruction
• Pray for the release (timing) as the picture becomes clear.

Maybe you don’t see how this reflects the relationship of father and son. Take a look at this video:

Wisdom

Morris used a word I want to go back to – wisdom.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” James 1:5-8

The Greek word for wisdom is sophia. So then, philo sophia, is the love of wisdom.

Plato said:

“Until philosophers are kings, or the kings and princes of this world have the spirit and power of philosophy, and political greatness and wisdom meet in one, and those commoner natures who pursue either to the exclusion of the other are compelled to stand aside, cities will never have rest from their evils — no, nor the human race, as I believe — and then only will this our State have a possibility of life and behold the light of day.”

I’m not much of a Platonist, but that is good advice if the wisdom we seek is the wisdom of God’s heart.

This then is not a quick process, a magic 8 ball, where the answers pop right up. We are dependent on God’s timetable. Some questions, like the lingering question of “Why Stephanie and Rachel?” for me, have no answer in this life. God does not promise us answers. He promises us wisdom. What God wants is not our performance, He wants relationship, like a father to a son.

Standing

Now we come down to the nitty-gritty. Life is not always a primrose path. Jesus promised us that in this life we would have trouble. What are you going to do when the winds blow and the rain falls? You will stand on the rock. That rock is the revelation you have received. But if that revelation is based more on your own study and working things out in your mind rather than on your relationship with God – what then?

“Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.” Ephesians 6:13

You may be standing on a rock, but that rock may not be firmly on the ground. The truth of the matter was that I thought I knew what God would do based on my study and effort. The idea that God would protect us until our calling was fulfilled was erroneous. Therefore, I projected my thoughts onto God and made it His promise. So, it wasn’t a matter of God not doing what He said He would do, it was my not understanding what He was trying to get across to me.

Confidence

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.
Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15,16

A slave doesn’t have that kind of confidence. He bows before his master, maybe even grovels a bit. A son, however, is not afraid to come into the presence of his Father. When you are trying to make that stand based on your own efforts, it really isn’t a very confident stand. It is more like,”I really, really hope this works!”

“Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence  before God;
and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight.” 1 John 3:21,22

There is that “heart” thing again.

Rest

“So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God.
For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His.
Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest” Hebrews 4:9-11

Seems to me the end of it all is rest. God is your Father. Everything has been already completed before the foundation of the world. He wants relationship with you. How much better can it get?

But be clear! This is not being irresponsible. Take just a little example. Look at that second point up there under the steps from my friend, Morris. “Receive the revelation”. That is a very good opportunity to go into the stratosphere. Some folks have their own space suits they spend so much time up there. Others run right off to “do what God told them to do”. Good luck with either of those choices. For many of us it is very hard to stay in peace and rest and let God complete the process.

“He who rules his own spirit [is better] than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32

If you are performance based, you won’t believe this verse. “Let’s take this city for God!” “You need to get up and be doing something, not just sitting there!”. I’ve always wanted to tell folks who say stuff like that to go read their Bibles and chill. The children of Israel entered and took the land – while at rest. Go back and read the verses around that verse in Hebrews 4 and you will see that the writer of Hebrews equates entering into rest to entering into Canaan.

Being Led

When your are at rest, you can be led. As long as you are running around, you cannot be led. The children of Israel didn’t just get up one morning and decide to conquer Canaan. They were led in.

“But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.” John 16:13

The Holy Spirit is called the Comforter for good reason. He is here to comfort and guide us. We are not left as orphans. The call of every son in the kingdom is not only, Abba, Father, but Veni Sancte Spiritus – Come Holy Spirit!

Conclusion

Nope. I still don’t know why Stephanie and Rachel are dead. Better yet, I don’t know why the rest of us New Lifers are still alive. Having walked the parking lot with police photos and measuring tapes and checking all the angles, it doesn’t make sense to me. But it also doesn’t matter any more. Even though I didn’t have answers in those early moments and days, I knew God. Answers were not the important thing. He was the important thing. I also discovered I was not wrong about everything else I thought God was telling us, just a couple of narrow, albeit important to me, things. Now almost three years removed from the tragic events of that day I can honestly say that I am closer to Him than ever before and  more importantly, that I trust Him more than ever before. My hope is not built on circumstances, answers, and outcomes, but on our relationship.

I’ve been reading Crazy Love and it’s been pushing me again to be more of who I am. In America I would be called a radical but in God’s kingdom I think it should be normal.

In the book of Acts and in the early church everyone shared with each other. Everyone loved freely. People spoke the word of God boldly no matter the consequence. But it was out of love. So often as Christians we speak out of a sense of “rightness.” We have fallen into the trap that the rest of the world follows, that “our way is the right way, and that’s it.” Well, yes… but our attitude should be “that of Christ, who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant…”

How often do we make ourselves nothing? I think instead we elevate ourselves to be “gods” and proclaim our rightness to the world.

Instead, we are here to serve. How have you served, really served with complete abandon and no regard for what you get out of it, lately? Have you??

I know that until recently I had lost sight of all of that. Even now, as God challenges me and draws me closer to Him, part of me is screaming, running. See, I know what following God costs. I’ve experienced it firsthand by seeing my sister dead in front of my eyes. We call that martyrdom… Matthew came to kill Christians that day. And my sisters would have said it was all worth it. They would and are honored to be counted in that way – it was something we LIVED. Service to Christ in that way was not just words to us. And it is no longer to me. I am so well acquainted, though, with the cost, that the thought of the pain causes a part of my heart to shrink back. But “to live is Christ and to die is gain.” And I press on “to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” I push myself past the loss, the fear, to find something so much more infinitely beautiful that I will never lose – knowing Christ.

In challenging myself out of being lukewarm, I have seen the face of God. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “He’s allowed me to go up the mountain… Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!”

And I see it – in the face of Heidi… just one person, but I obeyed and saw God…

I will not stop. I will serve the least of these… I will go from “I” to “thou”… I will not care about my life… If my life is short it doesn’t matter… today is what matters.

Ps. Want to thank Pavel for speaking this into my life, and Bria Skalsky’s latest blog for inspiring me Love you Brianna! I sincerely mean that and hope you find the strength to know that even if your life may not count in the land of politics, it does in the land of people. You are a beautiful human being and I’m so lucky to know you.

Many feelings, emotions, and thoughts of what I wanted, those interested, to know;   began to churn inside me just a few days before the anniversary. Having felt, as a family, our outlook was one filled with celebration for the Christmas season and an expectant hope of the things God still has for the Works family to be and do;  we didn’t want the service to be one for grieving, remembering yes, but mostly about giving  (those who have carried this burden with us)  permission to be happy and not sad for us any longer.  And for all of us to look in hope, to God’s remaining purpose in this life.

My thoughts became crystal clear to me as I was looking in His word for what would best say all that was in my heart  (and the shared feelings of the family)  to say.  The evening before I shared with David the scriptures I wanted to share.  And as our little family (David and I, Grace, Laurie and her new husband Jesse, gathered for a special luncheon tea in our home, before the service; I shared the scriptures with them as well.

In the following readings, titled, No More Sorrow, are the scriptures I shared on the 2 year anniversary and as a matter of record want to make them available for those, of you have shared in our sorrow.   I would have liked to have shared a few more lines from scripture to complete all that I had in my heart that day; therefore, I will be adding them today.

No More Sorrow

Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, To the church of God which is at Corinth with all the saints who are throughout Achaia:   Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer;  and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

….

Indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope.

And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many.

But I determined this for my own sake, that I would not come to you in sorrow again.

For if I cause you sorrow, who then makes me glad but the one whom I made sorrowful?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing;  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;  always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

So death works in us, but life in you.

But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE,” we also believe, therefore we also speak,  knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.

For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,  while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

All good humor has the ring of truth to it. Maybe some folks would think hiding from the secret police, clandestine meetings, getting beaten to within an inch or your life…or worse, is stressful.

It makes my blood pump.

I enjoy my work and my job. Especially the people I am blessed to work with. But there is something missing. Maybe it is me. I just don’t feel like I am making that big of a difference.

When I was in Virginia, I wrung myself dry. I loved it. I am not into a 3 point sermon and then out. Even though I spoke at several different venues, many folks followed it around so by the time I did the chapel service and did my 20 minute thing, it was all part and parcel – a message in several parts over the week culminating in a positive call to “lay down your life to find it in the end.”

The Works family didn’t just drop into the parking lot from the suburbs on December 9th. I guess in American terms we are radical – driving 2 hours to church in Granby (we used to drive 3 hours in Montana), living in 900 sq. ft for 12 years.

But we grew up in the faith hearing stories of folks that would walk for DAYS one way to attend meetings. We heard about our brothers and sisters who were imprisoned and otherwise beaten for their faith. We looked at our relatively prosperous life and we wanted to be like them, even if no one ever heard of us.

And as the years went by, nothing ever changed. Except for my pain at being nowhere apparently.

Carly Simon sings a song, “I Haven’t Got Time For the Pain”. Check this out:

All those crazy nights when I cried myself to sleep
Now melodrama never makes me weep anymore

‘Cause I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you

You showed me how, how to leave myself behind
How to turn down the noise in my mind

Now I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you

Suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive
Though that’s just how much it cost to survive in this world
‘Til you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love
How to open up and drink in all that white light
Pouring down from the heaven

I haven’t got time for the pain
I haven’t got room for the pain
I haven’t the need for the pain
Not since I’ve known you

So, in comparison, getting shot up is nowhere near what other folks go through. Don’t get me wrong. It hurts. it will hurt the rest of my life. And I refuse to shy away from that because in YOUR moment when life totally sucks, my saying that God will be there and everyone will live happily ever after is not what is going to get your through. You need to know that it may not turn out “OK”. There is no guarantee. Oh life is pretty good today. Making great money and living the dream in suburbia. But Stephie and Rachel are still dead. Learning to live with that pain for another 30-40 years. Are you up for that? Not sure I am…but for the grace of God.

And honest to God, if He showed up today and said “Sell it all. Let’s go to China, or Thailand, or India, or Africa, or Europe” I would do it in a heartbeat. Are you kidding me? Another adventure! Let’s go, Samwise! Dragons to slay, glory for God to be won!

But maybe we’ve done all we are going to do. Maybe being on Focus and having it go around the world is the fulfillment. Maybe the book is enough. Maybe we have done all the public speaking we are going to do. That would be a real bummer. But really, maybe this is all there is.

Because at the end of the day, HE is in charge. And if it is enough for Him, it is enough for me. I knew that when I got into this deal 24 years ago. My life was over and His life in me began.

So just maybe the rest of my life is in Cubicleville. It doesn’t matter, does it? God does not need the Works family to make the world go round. I don’t have to like it. I haven’t liked it for the most part. But, what the heck? That is not what I am looking for.

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Now, that really makes my blood pump!

This trip got a small table next to the wall out of the way of the main flow of things. Was digging into my Buffalo Pie when I overhead the guys behind me talking about triaging a woman’s throat. Obviously something serious had gone down. Wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear over hash browns, ham and eggs. Started thinking maybe I ought to tell these tourists to knock it off. I thought better of that thinking maybe being friendly might be more to the point.

“You guys, EMTs?” I asked.

“Yeah, right here in Whitefish.” OK, so much for my prejudice about tourists.

“I gotta soft spot for EMTs myself”, I replied.

“You an EMT, too?”

“No, a trauma victim.”

“Oh wow. What happened? Car wreck?”

Well, you probably know where the discussion went from there. They had vaguely heard about it and were very interested in the story especially the part about the IV to the neck and the Trendelenburg position.

Besides all the medical stuff, since this went down at a church, I was able to share about meeting the Murray’s and other things. We spent about 15 minutes talking. They listened very closely and were genuinely interested. Garnered the “free pass to the firehouse” invitation any time I wanted to.

After breakfast had a long talk with my pastor friend. One of the things he mentioned when I told him the story is that the local chaplains (he is one) have been trying for years to have better relationships with the fire department and EMTs. He said my conversation with them had undoubtedly helped open some doors.

David Works at 11:30am May 19

It’s a process.

First, you have to make sure your work/life balance is properly defined. This will undoubtedly require setting appropriate boundaries (see Cloud & Townsend). There will be a fair amount of conflict when you do this, both on the job and at home. This will also require admitting you made some errors in this regard.

David Works at 11:35am May 19

Second, that may not work because due to the economic depression, your boss will just stat assigning work and projects without consultation because everyone is afraid of losing their jobs if they say no.

David Works at 11:57am May 19

Third, you take the advice of your counselor who is a very wise man. You say yes to everything and play the same game everyone else is playing. This will work.

Unfortunately, two more contractors are let go and you get even more work and you are called in to troubleshoot everything under the sun with no notice. Drop everything and come to the rescue!

David Works at 12:38pm May 19

Fourth, now you get serious (which is another way of saying “mad”). You have spent 1 1/2 years managing your stress and anxiety. There is only now one possible conclusion. This is the devil and his bunch trying to put you over the edge!

Then, the most terrifying thought imaginable comes to you….

You’ve been here before. It all comes flooding back – the bullets, the screaming, the dead quiet, then the chaos, the pain….oh my God, the pain! It doesn’t end in a moment like you want. It won’t go away. It drags on for hours. Then, reality forces its way into view – 2 daughters dead.

No, it’s not the devil and his bunch, even though they may be involved. At its most simple, you KNOW that God has permitted this to happen and He’s the one you have to deal with.

The fog starts to lift and you remember that wasn’t the only time. It all started innocently enough in that hotel room in St. Moritz. Then in a moment, it all changed. He spoke and you knew it was Him.

And the end of you…

David Works at 2:14pm May 19

Fifth, it is embarrassing to be thinking out loud on Facebook, finally figuring that you are projecting, and then … horror of horrors…you discover that it was all a set up. YOU are the one who has to lay it all down.

So, you push away all the well meanng advice that it will all be ok in the end (because you have been around enough to know that death is still death, even more so when it is your own) since in the middle of the process it is NOT ok. And really, there is no guarantee of my best life now. Not “my” anyway.

David Works at 2:16pm May 19

Sixth, because you have been here before you can grab the reins before you go totally nuts and remember…there is joy here. Not happiness. Not laughs and giggles. Not new cars and corporate jets. Real joy. He saw that…for the joy set before Him.

“…laying done your life, to find it in the end…”David Works at 2:18pm May 1

“But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.”

David Works at 2:20pm May 19

“In manus tuas pater/comendo spiritum meum”

Carla Buti Parker at 2:54pm May 19

…into Your hands……[tears]

Thanks David…for your sacrifice of worship in the midst of your pain. Earth is the only place you and I will ever be able to make that sacrifice. It is pleasing to Him.

Carla Buti Parker at 2:54pm May 19

…the angels stand in awe…

Linda Carr-Kraft at 2:56pm May 19

.. not “better” in the end, but maybe “different”, which in it’s own way brings joy and Grace….,

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and for evermore

Linda Carr-Kraft at 2:58pm May 19

…oh, and appreciate the quote in latin

David Works at 3:09pm May 19

This is not popular doctrine today. With some good reasons. We have preached the cross and self-sacrifice by the law – without grace. With grace, there is real joy. Then faith kicks in when it seems the most hopeless. And it really may be hopeless. For instance, my girls are NOT coming back. I get to live without them for 30/40 years. There really is no way to make that up. But we don’t live for this life, but for the next. I fear that many of us, myself primarily, have gotten seduced away from the simplicity of devotion to Christ, seduced by the things of this world.

Linda Carr-Kraft at 3:12pm May 19

ah… yes.. then what about this then…

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child quieted at its mother’s breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul.
3 O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and for evermore

David Works at 3:16pm May 19

And because I see the tendencies of my own heart, I can have incredible grace toward others. No more log in the eye. Grace and compassion.

Personally, this is why I think the evangelical world and the religious right are getting their clocks cleaned at the moment. They have forgotten the simplicity of devotion to Christ. It really screws up your heart. After a while, even other Christians become your enemies. We divide up over the most inane things.

We need to get back to the widows and orphans…and to the cross rightly presented. I think we will all find more to be unified over than to be divided.

Linda Carr-Kraft at 3:24pm May 19

Yes, dear cousin, here we most heartily agree…but, the contemplative life . learning to be silent and still and patient enough to listen .. is, well, a very difficult thing to do .. more of a process than an event….

David Works at 3:29pm May 19

Linda – almost assuredly “different”. His ways are still higher than ours. Perfect Psalm!

I use the Latin a lot as the Catholics are the only ones that have even halfway figured out the internal life and they have been at it for 16 centuries. I am betting that it will take us several hundred more. Plus, there is a great Taize chorus with those words….

Christ didn’t come for us to improve our behavior or so we could indulge ourselves in this life’s goods. He came to change our hearts. “Thou has desired truth in the inward parts…” Once our hearts are right, then good behavior follows. It’s the “get the inside of the cup cleaned first” bit.

David Works at 3:33pm May 19

Very much a process. I like to call it “the spiritual journey” and love the correlation to the Exodus – Egypt -> Wilderness -> Promised Land. I see the Promised Land as entering into rest, as Hebrews says. But it is a journey, a process and there is no particular hurry. The key is yielding to the process. 11 days? 40 years? Doesn’t matter. Just keep moving and trusting God.

Linda Carr-Kraft at 3:34pm May 19

yes, yes agree… Richmond Hill has a Taize service every monday night in the Chapel and Ben has been encouraging me to attend..perhaps I should….

Linda Carr-Kraft at 3:37pm May 19

oh, being the humble Episcopalian.. (insert sarcasm here ) .. I cannot take credit for finding the psalm.. it’s one Dad had me read over and over and over and over for hours in the hospital as he lay there quietly with his eyes closed.. always listening…

Linda Carr-Kraft at 3:41pm May 19

.. and a dash of levity here.. all you and I need this afternoon for our “conversation” ..is a mountain top and an oak tree…. the tradition continues.. even if only in the virtual world… (insert ancient oak tree here)

Note: Linda is a descendant of Dabney Carr. I am a descendant of Thomas Jefferson. Those two were best friends. They made a compact under an oak tree at Monticello that they would both be buried on that spot. It is now the location of the graveyard at Monticello. Dabney was the first one buried there.

Every person’s path on the way from recovery from grief and trauma is different. There are no marked or set paths to follow. There are no time limits (at 5 months you should be here, but 3 years you should be there, etc). It doesn’t even go in a straight line. The dots may not even connect. It can be pretty messy and untidy. As much as we might like to, we cannot avoid it. Everyone at some point in their life will face death.

Over the past couple of weeks during my meditations, I have been brought back again and again to some very untidy ideas. At least I think they might be untidy to some modern Americans as they originally were to me.

I am sure it comes as no great surprise that I spend a lot of time meditating about Stephanie and Rachel. Having been around Columbine a little and then the shooting at Westroads Mall in Omaha a few days before, plus being safe at home rather than on the mission field, my mind was thinking “crime”, “tragedy”, “shooting” & other terms like that. Had we been in China or some other closed and dangerous country, my state of mind would have been different.

We’ve been real wary of bouncing around certain loaded words as we talk about what happened to us. Only when it is necessary… and scriptural correct do we talk about “martyrs”, “persecution” and such. It is so easy to throw those words out and be seen as begging for sympathy.

And some might wonder if this situation is even persecution. I’ll let the shooter’s words speak for themselves:

“You Christians brought this on yourselves,” Murray wrote on a Web site for people who have left Pentecostal and fundamentalist religious organizations.

It was the most recent posting of his on the site, dated Sunday, December 9 at 11:03 a.m.

…

In the Web writings, which are now being investigated by Colorado Springs Police, Arvada Police and the FBI, Murray warned, “I’m coming for EVERYONE soon and I WILL be armed to the @#%$ teeth and I WILL shoot to kill. …God, I can’t wait till I can kill you people. Feel no remorse, no sense of shame, I don’t care if I live or die in the shoot-out. All I want to do is kill and injure as many of you … as I can especially Christians who are to blame for most of the problems in the world.” – From 9News website

Seems to me that the victims of someone intent on killing Christians would by definition be objects of persecution and if killed would be martyrs. And, oh by the way…that would not only be my daughters but everyone at YWAM-Arvada and New Life Church.

But while not begging for sympathy or playing off of people’s feelings, we do need to keep some things in mind.

The Bible says some pretty outrageous things. Here is one that you won’t find on many American refrigerators, including ours:

“Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” – 2 Timothy 3:12

(Does that mean if I am not being persecuted that I am not living godly? I’m still mulling that one over…)

That was bad enough, but how about Paul? -

“Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” – 1 Corinthians 12:10

Huh? Paul, you take PLEASURE in persecutions? Does it really say that? Let me check other versions. Let me check the original Greek….

For me, it doesn’t get any better. Here is Jesus on the Sermon on the Mount -

“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.” – Matthew 5:10-12

Rejoice, and be exceeding glad? Are you nuts? These are my girls you are talking about!

Wait a minute, I tell myself. This is the Lord Jesus. Either He is wrong or I am wrong and I know who has always lost that argument. Maybe I need to look at this whole thing differently.

Maybe I need to root around in the Bible a bit more…

“Remember the word that I said unto you, the servant is not greater than his Lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; ” – John 15:20

“Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.” – Romans 12:14

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you;
but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.
If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.
Make sure that none of you suffers as a murderer, or thief, or evildoer, or a troublesome meddler;
but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.” – 1 Peter 4:12-16

And so, I am beginning to wonder … yes it was really bad what happened to us. But how does God see it? Obviously very differently than I do.

“Precious in the sight of the LORD Is the death of His godly ones.” – Psalms 116:15

Wow. You mean there is something positive here?

My mind is brought back to something Aaron Stern said one night at theMILL from Hebrews 11 – the Faith Hall of Fame…

“Women received back their dead by resurrection; and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection;
and others experienced mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment.
They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated
(men [women?] of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground.
And all these, having gained approval through their faith,” – Hebrews 11:35-39.

Hold on there! These guys who were hacked up, stoned,…killed…THESE ALL?…are in the same category as the cool guys in the first part of that chapter with all the blessing? Oh my. The martyrs…the persecuted…”gained approval through their faith”…even if they were just getting in a minivan? No huge exertions of faith to get blessed?

Going back to meditate some more..

I am writing today about the senseless killing of two innocent teenagers in an avowed act to destroy Christians. As bad as this is, it could have been worse. My faith could have died along with them.

Matthew Murray, age 24, opened fire with an assault rifle and shot my two friends as they got into the family van after the second service at New Life on that fateful day. Earlier he had killed two others in Arvada, Colorado, at the Youth With a Mission facility. Records show that he had some personal vendetta against Christians. Our family had been at the earlier service at New Life that day and had just arrived home when the news broke. Soon the horror of these events engulfed us all.

Stephanie (age 18) and Rachel (age 16) Works were gunned down as they were leaving worship on December 9, 2007. Both amazing women of God, they accomplished so much for His kingdom in their short lives. “They were two of the most beautiful, pure, passionate women I have ever had the honor of meeting. Their joy and smiles were so contagious.”(1) Both did missionary work throughout the world bringing the love of Jesus to all they met. While Stephanie was pronounced deceased at the scene, Rachel was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit to fight for her life, as was her father. While at the hospital that day I had a deep faith that our prayers would be answered and the testimony would come from Rachel being miraculously healed. But God had bigger plans.

This isn’t the first time that that our church community has been assailed. In November 2006, we learned that our beloved pastor, Ted Haggard, had sinned in ways that still remain incomprehensible to me. They were most definitely abhorrent to our congregation’s spiritual core. It broke my heart. I was unprepared to imagine that our pastor was, in many ways, all that he condemned. But it was Ted himself who said to us, “People will fail you, no matter how much you love and respect them, but the Holy Spirit never Will.” (2) Through this difficult lesson, my belief became more tangible that it is Jesus who walks beside me, keeps me strong, and loves me. As one of our members said, “Faith is about something you can’t see. It’s about believing.” (3) You can’t refuse a fire, but you can refuse to let your faith be refined by that fire. We passed the internal test of purification and embraced the new future ahead for New Life Church. The best days were yet to come. God’s calling to advance, to preserve, and to overcome resonated strongly within us.

But yet, a little over a year later, we faced the darkest days yet as a church and as individuals. Our very core was shaken but rather then falling, we became stronger. Rachel’s last journal entry, as shared at her memorial service, demonstrates clearly the hope we found in Christ, “Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. This peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (4) I was among the church members interviewed by The Gazette newspaper at the Memorial Service. Given my relationship with the two young girls, my quote about Rachel and Stephanie headlined the frontpage article following the memorial service: “They were passionate and on fire for God. They never wasted a moment.” (5) They challenge us to live the same way.

The pain in my heart will ease in time but it is still too fresh to be far from my thoughts. Many questions still abound. Why do the righteous suffer when it seems “the way of the wicked prospers”? (6) Why was my church the one targeted? Why did my friends have to die? What is God’s plan? Yet in the midst of the overwhelming lack of control I feel, I can see God. While I might never fully understand or discover the answers, I know God works everything for His ends. (7). I have faith in my God for he loves me in an incomprehensible way and orders my steps according to his good, perfect, and pleasing will. It is this “unheardof trust in an unseen God” (8) which brings hope and life.

Christian hero Corrie ten Boom discusses the mystery of God’s magnificent meta-narrative as it relates to suffering on earth. God is weaving the threads of our life into a intricately woven tapestry but in this life we can only see the backside. It is easy to become discouraged when we see the threads going every which way, some short and some long, some smooth and others cut and knotted. But someday we will see the tapestry from God’s point of view on the front side. Then we will discover how He has woven all the threads of our life into a beautiful pattern, His unique work of art.

I know that God is not the cause of our suffering but rather He is the answer to the suffering through which we are to grow strong. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (9) By His presence and intimate relationship with each of us springs forth supernatural hope, joy unspeakable, and strength to walk in victory and life.

Christians throughout history have faced tremendous obstacles, yet have prevailed since “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”‘ (10) Without hardship, without suffering, without having to learn to walk in faith, we become dormant in our Christian walk as so many churches have in the ease of 21st century America.

While answers still evade me, the question now is not why God lets something awful happen but rather seeking the testimony that will come from the trial. “The blood of the martyrs is the seed of the church.” (11) This is a challenge to each individual and to each church to rekindle by God’s powers the lost flames of passion for His name. The cruelty of the world and depraved sinful nature of man is not the will of God but rather decisions humans make which break His heart. I know God has created us to overcome adversity through His authority and by His grace.

Pastor Brady Boyd, our new senior pastor, spoke to us about how being tested leads to a strengthening of our faith and our resolve. In his sermon at the memorial service for Rachael and Stephanie he said: “Live life on purpose. Every day matters. Every hour matters. Every relationship matters. Every friendship matters …. That’s what I’m hearing from Rachel and Stephanie.” (12) 1 know this testing of our faith leads to perseverance and purification. It’s a choice to move forward into the glorious future rather then to wallow in the past. Just as the internal test of Ted Haggard’s falling prepared us for the external test of a gunman attacking our church, I know God is readying us to advance His kingdom in our generation in ways previously unimaginable.

God is raising up a people who will sacrifice everything for His name, to make his gospel known. “I will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.” (13) His fire is falling, his glory is coming, and we must be ready. This is a call not only to New Life, but to every church and every Christian living in the world today.

The mission of Christians today is to remain steadfast in the Lord, to ‘do’ as well as to pray, to ‘become’ instead of merely wishing, and to stay strong in the face of adversity. We absolutely must stick together as a body of people whose hope is found in Christ alone. Sharing our most frightening moments, as well as our most precious moments, together results in a thriving, healthy community of believers walking through life together. When we feel terribly alone, singled out by the cruel hand of the kingdom of this world, when we are tempted to crawl off into a dark comer, cry, and feel sorry for ourselves, we are comforted by knowing that we are part of a community, that there are people around who care about us and that we are still part of the beautiful tapestry of God’s plan. Our spiritual home brings us together and keeps us in each other’s lives. This was demonstrated so clearly as we all gathered to love and support the Works family for we found ourselves wedded even more closely to each other, strengthened by the unity of our sorrow and the hope of triumph in the midst of tragedy.

Our focus cannot be just inward on our own churches but it must also be outward. As we stand strong as a body of believers we can then pour ourselves out as a drink offering to reach the lost around us. We are given the responsibility to bring God’s salvation to every person’s world, to be the hands of Christ, and to proclaim freedom to the captives. Suffering, pain, and hardships produce a burning motivation to reach a dying and desperate world. Time is short, life is short, every moment matters.

Why don’t we do what we were saved for? The church in American must awaken. Tears should be streaming down our faces, crying for the lost and unsaved to come back home. “Desperate, we must lift our hands. Stronger, we will rise up again. Freedom, it’s a part of us all and its time to let it go.” (14) God is asking “Whom shall I send?” and is waiting for the church crying out for revival, for the people desperate to see God’s fire fall on their generation to declare “Here I am. Send me. I will go.” Faith to make this statement comes from leaming how to trust God wholeheartedly while facing suffocating trials of every kind.

In the midst of this testing of our faith, it’s a choice to surrender our lives to Christ and to walk in the victory God has for us. In some ways, I could not have believed that we would have been able to survive in our faith with all that has happened. But that is what has transpired. I know that God is giving us all that we need to overcome. The presence of God is sweeter, the Scripture is more powerful, and the grace of God more abundant. But this movement is not just for us in Colorado Springs. It’s a call to the church of America to live passionately and sacrificially while loving others for God’s glory. It’s a part of the wondrous design of eternal triumph God is weaving with each Christians’ life. Embrace the trials, walk in trust, and live in faith. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mouming or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passes away. He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new.”‘(15) The best is yet to come…

1 – Alaina Reyes, friend of Rachel and Stephanie
2 – The Denver Post, November 5, 2007
3 – Ibid.
4 – Paraphrase of Philippians 4:57 (actually NLT)
5 – The Gazette, front page.
6 – Jeremiah 12:1
7 – Proverbs 16:4
8 – Deeper Still, IBS Publishing
9 – Isaiah 41:10
10 – John 16:33
11 – Tertullian
12 – Breaking Christian News. December 12, 2007
13 – Isaiah 42: 6
14 – Classic Crime, Albatross.
15 -Revelation 21:45